Leadership often involves negotiating very tough deals, or handling strong objections, or getting a reluctant team to agree to some difficult course of action. To accomplish such things, we employ all the verbal means at our disposal. We argue, we reason, we cajole, we promise, we wheedle, we make deals. A lot of verbal heavy lifting.
Yet most of us give little thought to our nonverbal actions while these verbal activities are going on. We may consciously raise our voice, or use anger to try to carry the day, or even stand up to physically dominate the room. But beyond that, we're clueless about nonverbal means of persuasion.
Yet we miss some of the most powerful means of persuasion humans have when we don't consciously use nonverbal gestures to support our arguments. Nonverbal persuasion is subtle, it works more slowly, and it works mostly on the unconscious. As such, it can allow all sides to save face and avoid getting too deeply dug into a difficult negotiation. Try the nonverbal argument right from the start. It may save you a lot of time and trouble.
Here are three basic steps for winning the nonverbal argument when emotions are running high. All must be done so subtly they are not consciously noticed.
First, mirror your adversary. Mirroring builds agreement; you can often head off potential trouble by establishing a strong basis of nonverbal agreement before the real negotiating begins. But you mustn't be obvious. The idea is simple enough: When the other party adopts a certain seated or standing position, try to adopt a similar one yourself. You want to move slowly until you more or less match the other person's stance.
The idea is to take some time standing or sitting in roughly the same position as the other person. That will send an unconscious message to the person that you are on an equal level and generally in agreement with them. They will begin to trust you. But remember not to be obvious about it.
If they start arguing, heckling, or violently disagreeing with you, don't mirror; align. Often strong verbal argument comes from a desire to be heard and acknowledged. If you align yourself with the person--that is, sit or stand facing in the same direction--you'll be surprised how often all protest will cease. Alignment looks and feels different from mirroring. With alignment, you stand shoulder to shoulder with someone, looking in the same direction.
This action can be quite difficult to undertake; your natural instinct is to back away from anyone who is heckling you--or move in very close to pick a direct fight. But try alignment and watch the confrontation fizzle.
If tension still remains high, use the hands-down gesture to dampen it. When tempers flare and feelings run high, spread your hands out, palms down, at about waist height, and gently push them down a couple of inches. If you're sitting at a table, you'll have to bring your hands above the horizontal plane of the tabletop. Again, this must be done so subtly that it probably isn't consciously noticed. Repeat as necessary. This gesture sends a clear message that it's wise and safe to calm down now.
These gestures won't remove the need for hard verbal bargaining, of course, but they can begin to defuse tense situations more easily. Use the power of your nonverbal messages before you have to resort to verbal fisticuffs.
Nick Morgan is the president of Public Words, a communications consulting firm, and the author of Trust Me: Four Steps to Authenticity and Charisma.
